Organic Jello.

President Obama to Nationalize Struggling Indie Rock Industry

2009-03-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON (AP)—In a move certain to infuriate conservatives, President Obama announced on Tuesday that the government would become the majority shareholder in top independent record labels such as Matador, Sub Pop, and even the Animal Collective-curated Paw Tracks.

“As we have seen recently, the previous administration gave away money to labels without any accountability, which ultimately resulted in the mismanagement that has caused what we have seen recently, for instance, with the failure of Touch and Go,” the President remarked to a gathering of disaffected youths in tight jeans at an organic, fair-trade, vegan coffee shop in Portland.

Public interest groups have criticized past attempts at government intervention for failing to provide the average Joe PBR-Pack musician with direct aid, instead funneling the funds through greedy record company executives. Particularly egregious, they noted, was Matador’s decision to use $500 million in bailout money to create edible chocolate figures of Pavement frontman Stephen Malkmus and mail them to the offices of Sony, Virgin, and Capitol.

Sufjan Stevens’ Michigan-based Asthmatic Kitty also came under fire for using a $40 million loan to reinvigorate a marketing campaign designed to convince consumers that the Christian-esque CEO is actually serious about completing his “fifty state” project. Federal watchdogs are investigating possible criminal prosecution of Stevens. “He was essentially running the biggest Ponzi scheme this side of the Slanted and Enchanted vinyl. Bernie Madoff is nothing compared to this pretentious douchebag. He’ll have plenty of time to write another goddamn unnecessary trumpet solo where he’s going,” said Treasury spokesman Joe Corrogano.

The President attempted to reassure record buyers and independent musicians, to whom many political analysts say he is beholden for the vast influx of campaign funds generated for him by their benefit shows, bike rallies, and neighborhood cupcake sales. “No longer will your tax dollars be used to placate the desires of the silkscreen t-shirt, overpriced hoodie, and cute messenger bag pin lobbies. This money will go to the average hard working art collectives on Lorimer Street.”

Bradford Cox, singer and guitarist for the band Deerhunter, seemed to approve of the plan. “I was talking to Kevin Drew [of Canadian indie rockers Broken Social Scene] the other day, and he was saying that in Canada, they actually have a grant system for artists. I was like—wait, you mean they actually fucking pay you to write songs about drinking piss? I mean, I’m not naming names,” Cox then coughed, in a clear effort to get reporters to include his words on record, “LESLIE FEIST, but then these people come across OUR borders, and take OUR jobs, and go on OUR suburban housewife morning shows. So not chill, man.”

Noah Lennox, who performs under the pseudonym Panda Bear in the group Animal Collective, concurred. “At first I was kind of worried that the government would interfere in the artistic process, but when Barack told me that he would try to get a congressional vote on making “Bros” the national anthem, I had to support my president. It would be pretty cool to have people stand for twelve minutes of aural genius before every baseball game.” Lennox then boarded an ethanol powered H2 Hummer with government plates, declaring that he was off to collect signatures as part of a grassroots effort to support the proposal, and that anyone who didn’t join him was a “Creed-loving pussy.”

For his part, the President promised citizens that his administration would make its efforts more transparent with a new website, hipfund.gov. “You will be able to go on the Internet and see for yourself—where is my money going? Are we funding another disappointing Los Campesinos follow-up, another derivative hack electro-pop debut, or are we actually getting things done, and moving the country towards once again producing something that Pitchfork would call an eight-point-four?”

Still, Republican lawmakers, such as the young Eric Cantor of Virginia, seemed skeptical. “Dude, when I was in the House in the nineties and all this great shit was coming out, like Crooked Rain and Daydream Nation—or was that the 80s? Man, I was so stoned for that whole kind of ten year period there. Anyway, none of that stuff needed daddy government to throw in some fucked up riffs or some heavy bass. You know? Freedom is the way to go, broseph.”

House Democratic legislators plan to introduce further legislation later this week to impose similar controls upon urban clothing store American Apparel, and to help struggling trust funders stay in their Williamsburg lofts.

Seasonal Affective Disorder Lobby Pressures Congress on Global Warming ‘Hoax’

2009-03-09T19:11:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK (AP)--As record temperatures and unseasonal tropical storms plague the Northeast in the heart of its winter months, one group remains unconvinced that climate change is an authentic threat. According to some congressional observers, the Seasonal Affective Disorder Lobby, which represents those whose typical work and social functioning is hindered by winter doldrums, has been as effective as the oil and gas industries in convincing Congress that it should not implement legislation to reduce carbon emissions.

“We take things a step further,” said Ben Goleman, the lobby’s founder and spokesman, “The energy companies claim that their actions are not causing global warming. We, on the other hand, don’t feel like things are getting warmer at all.”

“Yup,” concurred the young polo-and-jean-shorts-wearing lobbyist to his side, pausing a moment to stare at a clear blue sky and smile, “Seems pretty much like winter to me.”

Climate experts see the group as an obstacle to convincing world leaders of the necessity of “green” policies. “These people are the Israel lobby of the weather,” remarked Jeremy Bjornson, of Sweden’s National Institute for Climate Change Prevention. “We can’t stop them. They just seem so abnormally powerful and energetic—especially lately.”

Indeed, uncovered internal business memos confirm that the group’s productivity rate has risen starkly over the last few years, especially during winter months, when activists were previously prone to cut back their work hours, or even to leave the group for a few months. Goleman attributes the increased effectiveness to rising youth involvement, declaring in a recent press release, “Our cause is on the march, and Congress is hearing our voice, as more and more young people are beginning to see the light.”

Goleman is also the owner of an Internet business which sells outdoor sporting goods and summer wear. Yesterday, he held a press conference at his home in order to confront accusations that he is merely attempting to protect his own interests at the expense of the public.

Goleman replied to his accusers with a hearty laugh, “Why would I do that? Everything is just fine and dandy with me. Every day is a new challenge to take on. Life is a journey of adventure and excitement under the sun.” Commenting on his dry throat, the unusually cheerful founder then adjusted the slider on an electric humidifier, which his company also produces and sells.

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Conversations in Indie Rock, Vol. 2: Justice

2009-03-04T14:08:00.001-08:00

My Dear Gaspard! Tis not it much to our total convenience that we are inherently considered cool by the white boy Ivy League grad student American music press because we are two chain smoking French dudes who wear leather jackets, have an overblown stage show, and don’t really play any instruments?

Why yes Xavier! You know how timid I was for those many years about our utter lack of anything resembling talent! I almost thought we couldn’t pull it off!

Do not despair Gaspard! We are on our way to truckloads of hot American pussy. Truckloads!

But Xavier, do you think they might notice that we are clueless art school dropouts who don’t really know anything about music?!

You imbecile! It has nothing to do with music! No one writes SONGS anymore. It’s all about who you’re willing to fuck, and who you’re willing to let fuck you! Here, a snort a line!

Thanks. I guess it is pretty funny how people consider us exotic when I look pretty much like any Williamsburg douchebag in this photo. But I still think that people might start to notice that we pale in comparison to electronic musicians who actually know something about music, like Aphex Twin, Stars of the Lid, or even fucking Daft Punk! I mean does no one fucking notice that we are taking the same shitty marketing gimmick, running it through to its logical absurdist conclusion, and walking away with their money and their women? We are the Oasis of bourgeois electronica!

Look, we’ll just give our album some cool postmodern title, like a symbol or something. We’ll be immune to criticism! It’s like that fucking Icelandic band with the cooing noises and the album with the parenthesis. Do you ever hear anyone talk shit about that? No! Because the title is fucking parenthesis! How are you going to talk shit about a fucking parenthesis?! Art is subjective and there is no law! Besides, our fans are dipshits who can’t tell the difference between Bob Dylan and Sufjan Stevens anyway!

But Xavier, if everything is relative, does that mean our bank accounts, our lives of endless hedonism, our dedication to making music that has no cultural relevance and that no one can really connect to on a personal level, except while on ecstasy, vomiting on a stranger on the dance floor, are ultimately a vacuous hole into which we will fall, at the bottom of which lies Steven Tyler?

SHUT UP! ONWARDS, to sell out MSG!

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Conversations in Politics, Vol. 1: The Pre-Election Bank Bailout Summit

2009-03-04T13:30:00.001-08:00

FUCKING FUCK WE ARE FUCKED!

Paulson, calm down. We only need ten more votes in the House. Boehner, why did you assholes vote against this?

We felt there was too much big government.

And the democrats?

This differed from our original proposal. We want $10 billion to be earmarked to build a new aquarium for baby seals at the Bronx Zoo.

Did somebody say earmarks? As President, any bill with any delicious, grade-A American pork barrel spending that comes across my desk will face--

By the grace of Excalibur, stop.

Surely, with the power of HOPE… and a hint of CHANGE… Americans can pull together and reach some sort of comp--

Ahhhh, I’m sick of this hope bullshit. You don’t have to talk that way in private, you know.

I would have to agree with John there. But this is really key, and if I could just make an important point...

Anybody see Idol last night? Heheh…

Hey guys, sorry to interject. Did I mention how fucked we are?

Yes. We passed a resolution on it, HR-682. It was a bipartisan bill and everyone agreed that we were pretty fucked.

See? This is why they elected us! Democrats get things DONE!

Look, as long as you guys can promise us that none of this money will go to help poor people or any lame shit like that, we’re in. My daughter's "My dad is a liberal pussy" Facebook group already has six thousand members.

Are you kidding? Mr. Commissioner over there vetoes all of that crap. We don’t even bother anymore.

Who did what with the what now?

So look, if you guys can spot me just this once, I promise I’ll never ask again. I can’t really tell you what I’m gonna use it for, but I mean it's not like it would just be used to build some sort of gigantic Art Deco statue of Ayn Rand in the center of Times Square that a firm I'm affiliated with has designed, or anything like that. But I mean EVEN IF I WAS, would that not create construction jobs?

I’ll see what I can do. In the meantime, Barack, John, why don’t you have your VPs briefed on the subject so we can air our differences in front of the American people?

Joe Biden comes from Scranton. He is just like you and me.

Barack! Wake up. You aren’t on the campaign trail.

Joe Biden commutes uphill a hundred miles… both ways… on the back of a mule… to and from work every day… to spend time with his family.

Yeah, about that, Madame Speaker… uh… My VP has uh… a hockey game to go to… she can’t really uh… Dear God, why didn’t I choose Romney?

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Conversations in Indie Rock, Vol. 1: Pavement

2009-03-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

malktastic has entered the room.

horseracinman5 has entered the room.

universalshockmount has entered the room.

universalshockmount: have u guys heard of my mic stands

universalshockmount: ???

universalshockmount has left the room.

universalshockmount has entered the room.

universalshockmount: sry d/ced

universalshockmount: any1 need mic stands??

westiecandrum has entered the room.

greatjones412 has entered the room.

malktastic: where’s spiral??

kennelsatikea has entered the room.

kennelsatikea: yo

westiecandrum: sup?

malktastic: okay guys, the reason i invited you all here is i think it’s time

greatjones412: i have to go mix some drinks and do belly shots with kim gordon, can u make this quick malk??

malktastic: ya ya… look… let’s just be honest… we have all had pretty abysmal solo careers… I mean west, what is it you do? you like make sculptures or something? and spiral… it was annoying enough putting your shit on my records but that preston school stuff man… i would first lick johnny reznik’s taint and sing on his next record

kennelsatikea: do it then fag u no u want to

malktastic: sry… what im saying is, it’s time to get pavement back together

malktastic: nastanovich u there?

horseracinman5: LUCKY LINDY IN THE SEVENTH RACE!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

malktastic: bob im putting pavement back together

horseracinman5: yea its cool with me… brb piss break

kennelsatikea: ok malk i guess we can put our diffs aside… fkin ikea owes me like 2 mil in back royalties … i need the cash…

malktastic: gary? we’d like you to come out and play on the slanted stuff…

universalshockmount: yeah dude that’s great… i just made these awesome cupcakes… we could serve them to the fans

westiecandrum: i’m in… just one thing? i wanna be as nondescript and as inessential to the band as i was b4… i cant really deal with the attention in my old age

malktastic: thats fine, we’re just gonna do like ten shows in williamsburg and suck the kids dry… then maybe some west coast stuff… nothing too heavy… spin is gonna write us up already… i just have to tell janet weiss and co that i don’t wanna do another 20 minute version of no more shoes and we’re good to go… matador has agreed to sponsor it

kennelsatikea: awesome

shakedown1979 has entered the room.

shakedown1979: haha sup fags

kennelsatikea: ahh fuck

universalshockmount: wtf

malktastic: billy wtf are you doing here

shakedown1979: i check this room every day cuz i knew one day u luzers wud need to do it… sup malk, sup spiral

kennelsatikea: nm billy… ill pay u what i owe u for the jeep when i get a chance just chill

shakedown1979: hahah u guys cud tour the whole country and u wudnt make what i make in a day

malktastic: billy i still don’t understand what you mean and i still could really give a fuck so gtfo out my chat

shakedown1979: yo mayb i didnt go to college but u realize that line is grammatically incorrect… it shud be “couldn’t really give a fuck…” just sayin lol…

malktastic: stfu

shakedown1979: lololol… 2day is thaaa greateeeeeest

horseracinman5: omfg stfu… ur quoting urself… why wud u do that? to remind urself ur alive?

shakedown1979: no…im doin it cuz when zeitgeist reaches number 1 on the charts ur gonna know who did it… ur not gonna say “oh that look like billy corgan” cuz sho nuff it was billy fuckin patrick corgan

malktastic: your middle name is patrick? why am i not surprised?

shakedown1979: hey be nice i mite let u guys open for me

malktastic: dude iha isn’t even in the band anymore its like you and your cokehead drummer… i swear its like no matter what shitty new project you do that guy is involved somehow… y dont you go make another fruityass record with david pajo

shakedown1979: yo i don’t see u chillin wit paz lenchantin

malktastic: at least joanna bolme wasn’t in fuckin tool dude

shakedown1979: she wasnt in tool dumbass

shakedown1979: it was a side project

malktastic: look whatever y don’t we settle this like men?

shakedown1979: AIM dice?

malktastic: u got it

shakedown1979: 3 of 5?

malktastic: naaa. sudden death. loser has to leave the chat and formally apologize to the winner in pitchfork

shakedown1979: ok, lets go!

OnlineHost: shakedown1979 rolled 2 6-sided dice: 6 6

shakedown1979: aha!

OnlineHost: malktastic rolled 7 25-sided dice: 5 10 18 24 6 3 9

shakedown1979: WTF CHEATER

malktastic: leave

kennelsatikea: malk won

westiecandrum: gtfo billy…

universalshockmount: duuuude lololololol

shakedown1979: FINE… YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS TIME, BUT TONIGHT, MARK MY WORDS, TONIGHT, I WILL CRUCIFY THE INSINCERE, TONIGHT!

shakedown1979 has left the room.

westiecandrum: lmao

horseracinman5: looks like we won this round

malktastic: score one for the indie roxx \m/

greatjones412: g2g.. gj malk

malktastic: k guys… see u l8r…

horseracinman5: peace

greatjonescafe has left the room.

malktastic has left the room.

horseracinman5 has left the room.

universalshockmount has left the room.

westiecandrum has left the room.

goo reznik has entered the room.

goo reznik: …

goo reznik has left the room.