Seasonal Affective Disorder Lobby Pressures Congress on Global Warming ‘Hoax’

NEW YORK (AP)--As record temperatures and unseasonal tropical storms plague the Northeast in the heart of its winter months, one group remains unconvinced that climate change is an authentic threat. According to some congressional observers, the Seasonal Affective Disorder Lobby, which represents those whose typical work and social functioning is hindered by winter doldrums, has been as effective as the oil and gas industries in convincing Congress that it should not implement legislation to reduce carbon emissions.

“We take things a step further,” said Ben Goleman, the lobby’s founder and spokesman, “The energy companies claim that their actions are not causing global warming. We, on the other hand, don’t feel like things are getting warmer at all.”

“Yup,” concurred the young polo-and-jean-shorts-wearing lobbyist to his side, pausing a moment to stare at a clear blue sky and smile, “Seems pretty much like winter to me.”

Climate experts see the group as an obstacle to convincing world leaders of the necessity of “green” policies. “These people are the Israel lobby of the weather,” remarked Jeremy Bjornson, of Sweden’s National Institute for Climate Change Prevention. “We can’t stop them. They just seem so abnormally powerful and energetic—especially lately.”

Indeed, uncovered internal business memos confirm that the group’s productivity rate has risen starkly over the last few years, especially during winter months, when activists were previously prone to cut back their work hours, or even to leave the group for a few months. Goleman attributes the increased effectiveness to rising youth involvement, declaring in a recent press release, “Our cause is on the march, and Congress is hearing our voice, as more and more young people are beginning to see the light.”

Goleman is also the owner of an Internet business which sells outdoor sporting goods and summer wear. Yesterday, he held a press conference at his home in order to confront accusations that he is merely attempting to protect his own interests at the expense of the public.

Goleman replied to his accusers with a hearty laugh, “Why would I do that? Everything is just fine and dandy with me. Every day is a new challenge to take on. Life is a journey of adventure and excitement under the sun.” Commenting on his dry throat, the unusually cheerful founder then adjusted the slider on an electric humidifier, which his company also produces and sells.